Utah 2010

Way back when, we planned a family vacation to visit KC & Jodi and Tim & Barbara in Utah.  I would come from FL and Mom, Dad, Katie and Tom would come from CT.  Tickets were booked and plans were being made.  After Mom died we decided that we should still do it.  She would want us to.  It would be good for all of us to be together again. 

So we did.  And it was good.  Really good.

We stayed in places with amazing views

and spent some good quality time together

We went on many hikes through the beautiful mountains

 
And stayed at a quaint little cabin…

 
that looked out over this. 

   
We spent hours around the campfire before bed 


And woke up to these guys drinking from the river

 
We found our family name

 
In more than one place

 
And hiked to one of Mom’s favorite places 


Where we laughed…
and cried…
and told her how much we missed her

  
It was beautiful
And exactly what my heart and soul needed

Struggling...

It's been five weeks since my world was shattered. I've woken up every Friday since then remembering the phone call that changed my life. It was 6:01am and through his own sobs, I heard my father say "Honey, you have to come home. It's Mom. She died." I don't remember anything else he said. I hung up the phone and it was as if time had stopped. Am I still sleeping? Did I just dream that? This can't be real. I just spoke to her a few days ago. I was just with her two weeks ago and she was fine. We celebrated Beth's birthday, we danced, we laughed, we have a million pictures to prove it. She was happy. She was fine. And now she's gone.

She was everything to our family and to so many others. Over 500 people attended her memorial service. I heard the most amazing stories about her. Things she did for so many others. How she always took the time to listen and lend a hand. To give a hug when someone needed one. How she and my Dad always had an open door in their home. How they gave to those less fortunate than us. I always knew she was amazing. I had no idea that so many others knew it too.

Mom and I spent countless hours talking, shopping and planning for "our" baby from China. She was so excited to become a Nana. She was my biggest supporter and would tell me how she was always praying for me and for Maggie. How can I do this without her? How can I become a Mom without my amazing Mom by my side? How will I know what to do? I'm so afraid to do this without her.

I'm so sad. I can't sleep. My heart hurts. I miss her so much.

Heartbroken...

6/25/1942 - 5/28/2010

Beloved wife to Chris
Amazing mother to Suzie, Tom, KC, Katie and Tim

My beautiful and amazing mother unexpectedly left this world two weeks ago today.

We are devastated. Our hearts are broken.

Our mother, without a doubt, was an angel on Earth. She was kind and caring, loving and compassionate, generous and trustworthy, plus she was just a whole lot of fun to be around. She was crazy about our family, and she never missed an opportunity to tell any of us how much she loved us. She always kissed us hello, she kissed us goodbye, she kissed us goodnight, and she never got off the phone or left the house without an “I love you.” With parents like ours, we have never known what it is like to not be surrounded by love.

My life is forever changed

For the better because she was my mom

For the worst because she is gone

{un} Happy Mother's Day

So here we are...five years after I made the decision to go forward with an adoption and I am still not a mom. Five Mother's Day's have come and gone. Five long years of waiting. And hoping. And wishing. And dreaming. And nothing has changed. And you want to know what really sucks? It's almost definitely not my last Mother's Day of not being a mom. I'm so tired of hoping that things will pick up and that the C2A2 will start referring more days - and then they don't. And it breaks my heart. Every.Single.Time.

I'm tired of being sad. To be a mom is what I've always wanted more than anything in this world. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't take this long. It shouldn't hurt this much. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to cry anymore because of the aching in my heart. I just want to be a mom. That's not too much to ask, right?

I woke up sad and feeling sorry for myself this morning. And I had a good cry. And then I thought about my mom and how awesome she is. And how she has ALWAYS been supportive of me and the decisions that I have made. I thought about all the times she put her children before herself. All the things that she probably hated doing but did anyway. The sacrifices she made. The constant source of support and love no matter what. And it made me smile. I am so lucky to have such an amazing mom and I hope to be just like her when my time finally comes.

Maybe I'm not so unhappy after all :o)

Busy, Busy, Busy!!

Wow - the last few weeks have been so busy!

February started out with a lot of traveling for work. I was out of the office 3-4 days a week visiting all of our locations throughout Florida. As much as I enjoy getting out of the office, playing catch up sucks :o) I'm the last man standing in my department so it's keeping me real busy.

I've been having a blast with my new camera!! I.LOVE.IT!!! I have no idea what I'm doing, or what most of the buttons, etc. mean, but I'm having fun experimenting with everything. I've taken a few basic classes and had a one-on-one with the instructor but I still have so much to learn.

Dad arrived in mid-February for his annual "boys spring break". He comes down every year for baseball spring training year and we did a lot of fun things while he was here...

We saw the Yankees vs Pirates

We saw our first Polo match

We spent some time at the beach for the drum circle


My brother KC came from Utah for a long weekend
and couldn't believe we had to bundle up for a Florida sunset!

Saturday, March 6th was our friend Adam's 5th anniversary in heaven. We started the day by having brunch at one of his favorite Florida beach bars.

We finished with a basketball game between the
USF Bulls and Adam's favorite UConn Huskies
We met up with KC and Adam's friend Scott
who brought along Adam's memorial card.
It's was almost like he was there with us.

Saturday morning at the market. Do they ever grow up???

And just because he is so stinkin cute....

Dad and his friends are gone. Things are quiet. And Duke is so sad that he has to stay home alone during the day :(

Time to clean the house, change the bed sheets and get ready for my next round of company!
My next guests will be here on Saturday. Aunt Beth, Uncle Joe and Liam!!
Can't wait to spend some time with my favorite six year old!

Exactly one year ago I received the worst phone call of my life. My 36 year old sister had a stroke and was in the hospital. I am happy to say that exactly one year later she is completely recovered, back to work and healthy as can be! It still amazes me to think of all that she went through - a stroke, brain surgery, loss of vision - and that today she is perfectly fine. She endured so much during the surgery and recovery and I admire her for being so strong. So many people were praying for her and those prayers were answered! Amen, Amen, Amen!!!!!

Another LID gone by

41 months down.

2 days worth of referrals.

Enough said.

My New Toy :o)

I finally broke down and got something
I've been wanting for almost a year now....

After spending three hours in the camera store, I finally decided on this Nikon. It's probably way more than I need but I've been wanting a good camera and will hopefully someday know how to use all the features that it has. Good news is that the purchase price includes 18 lessons!!

By the time Maggie comes home I should have it down pat :o)

They just don't get it...

I've been waiting over three years for my someone in China to match me with my daughter. I know that people mean well, but they just don't get it. Some recent conversations...


Friend: What is going on with your adoption? It seems like it is taking forever.
Me: It is taking forever but I have no control over it. I've been waiting for over 40 months.
Friend: That's ridiculous. You should just get pregnant. (That's a great idea, I wish I had thought of that)


Friend: Are you STILL waiting for that baby?
Me: Yes, I am.
Friend: Well, I wish they would hurry up. I'm getting tired of waiting!! (Really???? YOU are tired of waiting!!!)


Friend: I know a lawyer, do you want me to have him call China and see if
they can speed things up for you? (Can you imagine - Hello China? What's taking so long?)

Friend: Any news yet?
Me: Unfortunately, no. I'm still waiting.
Friend: Well there are plenty of babies for sale now in Haiti, maybe you should try there (This was from someone at church and it left me speechless?)

Stupid remarks like this make me glad that not everyone knows I am adopting.

BRRRRRRRR!!!!

I've lived in Florida for 16 years and have

NEVER EVER

seen temperatures this low!

The feels like temperatures at 7am this morning!

Upon seeing this when I woke up this morning,

I am now the proud (and toasty warm) owner of this:

Can't wait to get into bed tonight!

Christmas, A New Year & 40 Months LID

Christmas in CT was fabulous! Other than the horrific drive through a raging blizzard, I made it safely and had a wonderful time. My two brothers and their wives were there from Utah, me from Florida and my sister and brother from CT - my parents could not have been happier (unless of course they had a beautiful Chinese granddaughter there as well)!

We took a ride to the North Pole on the Polar Express

Our crazy family and friends at my sister's annual Christmas Eve-Eve party!

A brand new Christmas morning tradition was started - Bloody Mary's while opening gifts!!

I can't say that I am sad to say goodbye to 2009. I was thinking about how I've said that 2009 didn't start out as a good year and that it certainly didn't end as a good year. But really, when I think back to everything bad that happened, there were a lot of good things that I am very thankful for.

• A good friends wife passed away after being in a mostly vegetative state for over two years. As sad as it was, I am thankful that he was able to return to a normal state of life and is now happily dating someone he's known for quite some time.
  
• My sister Katie had a stroke that caused bleeding on her brain one month before her 37th birthday. I'm thankful that her principal sensed that something was wrong and in no uncertain terms, insisted that she immediately call her doctor.
  
• My brother KC had to have surgery to remove a mass that was growing on his neck. I'm thankful that everything was ok and it turned out to be nothing serious.
  
• My sister was told that she needed to have brain surgery and her insurance company would not pay for the out of state doctor that she was referred to. I'm thankful that they finally agreed to pay for everything!
  
• We all flew to Phoenix to be with Katie while she had brain surgery. I am so very thankful that after six hours of surgery we were told that she did fabulous! Although it was one of the worst times for our family, I am thankful that we all got to be with her either in AZ or back in CT.
  
• Another Mother's Day spent NOT as a mom. But, I am thankful for my own mother and feel so blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with her. She has always been there for me whenever I need her and I hope to someday have that same relationship with my girl Maggie.
  
• My mom, sister, aunts and cousins came for a girls "few weeks" in Florida. Katie was still having problems with her vision and was very uncomfortable wearing an eye patch out in public. I was worried as she seemed very withdrawn and I was afraid that she was getting depressed. On her last night here I was extremely thankful that her vision was COMPLETELY restored and that I got to be with her when it happened!
  
• I had to renew my I600-A for the third time! I'm thankful that even though the CC@@ is moving at a snails pace, at least they are still referring babies!
  
• I am thankful that Katie returned to work seven months and four days after she had her stroke!
  
• My best friends daughter turned two - I am so blessed and so thankful to have her in my life!
  
• The results of my aunts Pet Scan showed that the majority of the cancerous tumors that showed up the year before were virtually gone! I am thankful that she is feeling great and looks even better!!
  
• My best friends husband was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and had to have most of the skin removed from from one side of his face. I am thankful that it did NOT spread to his lymph nodes and I pray that he will remain strong during chemo and radiation. Cancer Sucks.

I guess it wasn't such a bad year after all.

Here's hoping that 2010 is better!