Sunday, May 9, 2010

{un} Happy Mother's Day

So here we are...five years after I made the decision to go forward with an adoption and I am still not a mom. Five Mother's Day's have come and gone. Five long years of waiting. And hoping. And wishing. And dreaming. And nothing has changed. And you want to know what really sucks? It's almost definitely not my last Mother's Day of not being a mom. I'm so tired of hoping that things will pick up and that the C2A2 will start referring more days - and then they don't. And it breaks my heart. Every.Single.Time.

I'm tired of being sad. To be a mom is what I've always wanted more than anything in this world. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't take this long. It shouldn't hurt this much. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to cry anymore because of the aching in my heart. I just want to be a mom. That's not too much to ask, right?

I woke up sad and feeling sorry for myself this morning. And I had a good cry. And then I thought about my mom and how awesome she is. And how she has ALWAYS been supportive of me and the decisions that I have made. I thought about all the times she put her children before herself. All the things that she probably hated doing but did anyway. The sacrifices she made. The constant source of support and love no matter what. And it made me smile. I am so lucky to have such an amazing mom and I hope to be just like her when my time finally comes.

Maybe I'm not so unhappy after all :o)

6 comments:

Briana's Mom said...

I'm so sorry Suzie. I remember when my heart broke every time Mother's Day came along because I wasn't a mom. I think of you often and pray the C2A2 starts a speed up. Hugs my friend...

Polar Bear said...

Hugs!

I KNOW how hard this day is. I wish there were words that would make it better, but I know there aren't any.

Thinking of you. Praying that CC@@ gets their rear in gear and the wait speeds up!

Another HUG!!!

Kris said...

reading about your mom made me miss mine all the more :) glad you found YOUR measure of happiness on this day.

the wait bites. i waited a total of 5.5 years myself before realizing this dream- and it bites.

but every single day WAS worth it, in the end.

Special K said...

Hugs my friend.
Wish we could drink some margaritas together. That might help... temporarily.

Pug Mama said...

sorry it has to be this way. It is just down right abusive.
I'm sorry.

a Tonggu Momma said...

I am so very sorry.