Friday, July 2, 2010

Struggling...

It's been five weeks since my world was shattered. I've woken up every Friday since then remembering the phone call that changed my life. It was 6:01am and through his own sobs, I heard my father say "Honey, you have to come home. It's Mom. She died." I don't remember anything else he said. I hung up the phone and it was as if time had stopped. Am I still sleeping? Did I just dream that? This can't be real. I just spoke to her a few days ago. I was just with her two weeks ago and she was fine. We celebrated Beth's birthday, we danced, we laughed, we have a million pictures to prove it. She was happy. She was fine. And now she's gone.

She was everything to our family and to so many others. Over 500 people attended her memorial service. I heard the most amazing stories about her. Things she did for so many others. How she always took the time to listen and lend a hand. To give a hug when someone needed one. How she and my Dad always had an open door in their home. How they gave to those less fortunate than us. I always knew she was amazing. I had no idea that so many others knew it too.

Mom and I spent countless hours talking, shopping and planning for "our" baby from China. She was so excited to become a Nana. She was my biggest supporter and would tell me how she was always praying for me and for Maggie. How can I do this without her? How can I become a Mom without my amazing Mom by my side? How will I know what to do? I'm so afraid to do this without her.

I'm so sad. I can't sleep. My heart hurts. I miss her so much.

10 comments:

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I had some words to make it even a little better but I don't. I know the pain of losing your Mom and I am so sorry.

k said...

*hug*

she is coursing through your veins and in your heart. her voice, her advice... it will come to you.

i know what you're feeling so well. sometimes, even now, with E home almost a year, i still feel that. how can i do this without her?

how is it that my daughter will never know her in this life? and that is something my heart cannot resolve. so, i try to think of ways to introduce my mom into her life.

and though your mom has left this world, she hasn't left you. the relationship you have with her will never die- it changes, dramatically, but that relationship is infinite...

and i know, from experience, that NONE of those truths take away an ounce of the hurt.

i am so sorry.

Rhonda said...

No words, just plenty of hugs...

a Tonggu Momma said...

Suzie... I am just so very sorry.

Briana's Mom said...

I have tears in my eyes for you. I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I know you will be an amazing mother. Your mom will always be with you - love never dies.

Special K said...

I'm so sorry, Suzie. I wish there was something I could do...any of us could do... to make this not hurt so much. But we can't. The grief is just a part of this process.

Hopefully knowing so many are thinking of you, supporting you, and praying for you will bring you a little bit of peace and comfort while you walk through this difficult time. Hugs, friend.

~Kristen said...

Oh Suzie... I'm thinking about you and keeping your family in my prayers. (((hugs)))

Polar Bear said...

Suzie ~ I wish I had words.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know you will be an amazing mom because you had such a great role model.

Thinking of you. HUGS!!!

Debra said...

Bless you! I am so sorry.

Pug Mama said...

oh Suzie, my heart breaks for you.
I wish you peace. May God bless you and please know that you are on my mind.
xoxo