Moving on...

maggieatlast.blogspot.com

Utah 2010

Way back when, we planned a family vacation to visit KC & Jodi and Tim & Barbara in Utah.  I would come from FL and Mom, Dad, Katie and Tom would come from CT.  Tickets were booked and plans were being made.  After Mom died we decided that we should still do it.  She would want us to.  It would be good for all of us to be together again. 

So we did.  And it was good.  Really good.

We stayed in places with amazing views

and spent some good quality time together

We went on many hikes through the beautiful mountains

 
And stayed at a quaint little cabin…

 
that looked out over this. 

   
We spent hours around the campfire before bed 


And woke up to these guys drinking from the river

 
We found our family name

 
In more than one place

 
And hiked to one of Mom’s favorite places 


Where we laughed…
and cried…
and told her how much we missed her

  
It was beautiful
And exactly what my heart and soul needed

Struggling...

It's been five weeks since my world was shattered. I've woken up every Friday since then remembering the phone call that changed my life. It was 6:01am and through his own sobs, I heard my father say "Honey, you have to come home. It's Mom. She died." I don't remember anything else he said. I hung up the phone and it was as if time had stopped. Am I still sleeping? Did I just dream that? This can't be real. I just spoke to her a few days ago. I was just with her two weeks ago and she was fine. We celebrated Beth's birthday, we danced, we laughed, we have a million pictures to prove it. She was happy. She was fine. And now she's gone.

She was everything to our family and to so many others. Over 500 people attended her memorial service. I heard the most amazing stories about her. Things she did for so many others. How she always took the time to listen and lend a hand. To give a hug when someone needed one. How she and my Dad always had an open door in their home. How they gave to those less fortunate than us. I always knew she was amazing. I had no idea that so many others knew it too.

Mom and I spent countless hours talking, shopping and planning for "our" baby from China. She was so excited to become a Nana. She was my biggest supporter and would tell me how she was always praying for me and for Maggie. How can I do this without her? How can I become a Mom without my amazing Mom by my side? How will I know what to do? I'm so afraid to do this without her.

I'm so sad. I can't sleep. My heart hurts. I miss her so much.

Heartbroken...

6/25/1942 - 5/28/2010

Beloved wife to Chris
Amazing mother to Suzie, Tom, KC, Katie and Tim

My beautiful and amazing mother unexpectedly left this world two weeks ago today.

We are devastated. Our hearts are broken.

Our mother, without a doubt, was an angel on Earth. She was kind and caring, loving and compassionate, generous and trustworthy, plus she was just a whole lot of fun to be around. She was crazy about our family, and she never missed an opportunity to tell any of us how much she loved us. She always kissed us hello, she kissed us goodbye, she kissed us goodnight, and she never got off the phone or left the house without an “I love you.” With parents like ours, we have never known what it is like to not be surrounded by love.

My life is forever changed

For the better because she was my mom

For the worst because she is gone

{un} Happy Mother's Day

So here we are...five years after I made the decision to go forward with an adoption and I am still not a mom. Five Mother's Day's have come and gone. Five long years of waiting. And hoping. And wishing. And dreaming. And nothing has changed. And you want to know what really sucks? It's almost definitely not my last Mother's Day of not being a mom. I'm so tired of hoping that things will pick up and that the C2A2 will start referring more days - and then they don't. And it breaks my heart. Every.Single.Time.

I'm tired of being sad. To be a mom is what I've always wanted more than anything in this world. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't take this long. It shouldn't hurt this much. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to cry anymore because of the aching in my heart. I just want to be a mom. That's not too much to ask, right?

I woke up sad and feeling sorry for myself this morning. And I had a good cry. And then I thought about my mom and how awesome she is. And how she has ALWAYS been supportive of me and the decisions that I have made. I thought about all the times she put her children before herself. All the things that she probably hated doing but did anyway. The sacrifices she made. The constant source of support and love no matter what. And it made me smile. I am so lucky to have such an amazing mom and I hope to be just like her when my time finally comes.

Maybe I'm not so unhappy after all :o)

Busy, Busy, Busy!!

Wow - the last few weeks have been so busy!

February started out with a lot of traveling for work. I was out of the office 3-4 days a week visiting all of our locations throughout Florida. As much as I enjoy getting out of the office, playing catch up sucks :o) I'm the last man standing in my department so it's keeping me real busy.

I've been having a blast with my new camera!! I.LOVE.IT!!! I have no idea what I'm doing, or what most of the buttons, etc. mean, but I'm having fun experimenting with everything. I've taken a few basic classes and had a one-on-one with the instructor but I still have so much to learn.

Dad arrived in mid-February for his annual "boys spring break". He comes down every year for baseball spring training year and we did a lot of fun things while he was here...

We saw the Yankees vs Pirates

We saw our first Polo match

We spent some time at the beach for the drum circle


My brother KC came from Utah for a long weekend
and couldn't believe we had to bundle up for a Florida sunset!

Saturday, March 6th was our friend Adam's 5th anniversary in heaven. We started the day by having brunch at one of his favorite Florida beach bars.

We finished with a basketball game between the
USF Bulls and Adam's favorite UConn Huskies
We met up with KC and Adam's friend Scott
who brought along Adam's memorial card.
It's was almost like he was there with us.

Saturday morning at the market. Do they ever grow up???

And just because he is so stinkin cute....

Dad and his friends are gone. Things are quiet. And Duke is so sad that he has to stay home alone during the day :(

Time to clean the house, change the bed sheets and get ready for my next round of company!
My next guests will be here on Saturday. Aunt Beth, Uncle Joe and Liam!!
Can't wait to spend some time with my favorite six year old!

Exactly one year ago I received the worst phone call of my life. My 36 year old sister had a stroke and was in the hospital. I am happy to say that exactly one year later she is completely recovered, back to work and healthy as can be! It still amazes me to think of all that she went through - a stroke, brain surgery, loss of vision - and that today she is perfectly fine. She endured so much during the surgery and recovery and I admire her for being so strong. So many people were praying for her and those prayers were answered! Amen, Amen, Amen!!!!!

Another LID gone by

41 months down.

2 days worth of referrals.

Enough said.

My New Toy :o)

I finally broke down and got something
I've been wanting for almost a year now....

After spending three hours in the camera store, I finally decided on this Nikon. It's probably way more than I need but I've been wanting a good camera and will hopefully someday know how to use all the features that it has. Good news is that the purchase price includes 18 lessons!!

By the time Maggie comes home I should have it down pat :o)

They just don't get it...

I've been waiting over three years for my someone in China to match me with my daughter. I know that people mean well, but they just don't get it. Some recent conversations...


Friend: What is going on with your adoption? It seems like it is taking forever.
Me: It is taking forever but I have no control over it. I've been waiting for over 40 months.
Friend: That's ridiculous. You should just get pregnant. (That's a great idea, I wish I had thought of that)


Friend: Are you STILL waiting for that baby?
Me: Yes, I am.
Friend: Well, I wish they would hurry up. I'm getting tired of waiting!! (Really???? YOU are tired of waiting!!!)


Friend: I know a lawyer, do you want me to have him call China and see if
they can speed things up for you? (Can you imagine - Hello China? What's taking so long?)

Friend: Any news yet?
Me: Unfortunately, no. I'm still waiting.
Friend: Well there are plenty of babies for sale now in Haiti, maybe you should try there (This was from someone at church and it left me speechless?)

Stupid remarks like this make me glad that not everyone knows I am adopting.

BRRRRRRRR!!!!

I've lived in Florida for 16 years and have

NEVER EVER

seen temperatures this low!

The feels like temperatures at 7am this morning!

Upon seeing this when I woke up this morning,

I am now the proud (and toasty warm) owner of this:

Can't wait to get into bed tonight!

Christmas, A New Year & 40 Months LID

Christmas in CT was fabulous! Other than the horrific drive through a raging blizzard, I made it safely and had a wonderful time. My two brothers and their wives were there from Utah, me from Florida and my sister and brother from CT - my parents could not have been happier (unless of course they had a beautiful Chinese granddaughter there as well)!

We took a ride to the North Pole on the Polar Express

Our crazy family and friends at my sister's annual Christmas Eve-Eve party!

A brand new Christmas morning tradition was started - Bloody Mary's while opening gifts!!

I can't say that I am sad to say goodbye to 2009. I was thinking about how I've said that 2009 didn't start out as a good year and that it certainly didn't end as a good year. But really, when I think back to everything bad that happened, there were a lot of good things that I am very thankful for.

• A good friends wife passed away after being in a mostly vegetative state for over two years. As sad as it was, I am thankful that he was able to return to a normal state of life and is now happily dating someone he's known for quite some time.
  
• My sister Katie had a stroke that caused bleeding on her brain one month before her 37th birthday. I'm thankful that her principal sensed that something was wrong and in no uncertain terms, insisted that she immediately call her doctor.
  
• My brother KC had to have surgery to remove a mass that was growing on his neck. I'm thankful that everything was ok and it turned out to be nothing serious.
  
• My sister was told that she needed to have brain surgery and her insurance company would not pay for the out of state doctor that she was referred to. I'm thankful that they finally agreed to pay for everything!
  
• We all flew to Phoenix to be with Katie while she had brain surgery. I am so very thankful that after six hours of surgery we were told that she did fabulous! Although it was one of the worst times for our family, I am thankful that we all got to be with her either in AZ or back in CT.
  
• Another Mother's Day spent NOT as a mom. But, I am thankful for my own mother and feel so blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with her. She has always been there for me whenever I need her and I hope to someday have that same relationship with my girl Maggie.
  
• My mom, sister, aunts and cousins came for a girls "few weeks" in Florida. Katie was still having problems with her vision and was very uncomfortable wearing an eye patch out in public. I was worried as she seemed very withdrawn and I was afraid that she was getting depressed. On her last night here I was extremely thankful that her vision was COMPLETELY restored and that I got to be with her when it happened!
  
• I had to renew my I600-A for the third time! I'm thankful that even though the CC@@ is moving at a snails pace, at least they are still referring babies!
  
• I am thankful that Katie returned to work seven months and four days after she had her stroke!
  
• My best friends daughter turned two - I am so blessed and so thankful to have her in my life!
  
• The results of my aunts Pet Scan showed that the majority of the cancerous tumors that showed up the year before were virtually gone! I am thankful that she is feeling great and looks even better!!
  
• My best friends husband was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and had to have most of the skin removed from from one side of his face. I am thankful that it did NOT spread to his lymph nodes and I pray that he will remain strong during chemo and radiation. Cancer Sucks.

I guess it wasn't such a bad year after all.

Here's hoping that 2010 is better!

Once again, I can't believe it's been so long since I posted anything here. It seems like so much has been happening and now that I sit down to think about it I can't remember half of the stuff that has consumed my life since my last post! What I can remember is:

• I had to switch agency's - even though my agency kept advising me that though they were not Hague accredited, my paperwork was fine and I had nothing to worry about. Turned out that was a load of crap. About three weeks before the CC@@ deadline, they sent an email giving me the option to drop out of the China program, switch to another country or change agency's. After 3+ years of waiting, I chose to switch agency's. Now, my fingers are crossed that there won't be any bumps in the road when I ever get a referral.
  
  
• My best friends husband was diagnosed with an aggressive form of skin cancer the day before Thanksgiving. It's really bad. He went in for what he thought was a consult and they ended up removing half of his face! Surgery is scheduled for tomorrow, 12/15 to do a lymph node biopsy and a skin graft to close the gaping hole they left. They've been told that surgery will last 10-12 hours and then he will have to do radiation and chemo. Their whole world has been turned upside down. Cancer sucks.
  


• I bumped into an old friend last week who works at my doctors office. I hadn't seen her in three years - since I went to get my physical for my dossier. The first thing out of her mouth was "how is that baby of yours? I want to hear all about her!" Ouch. That hurt. She obviously thought that I had long been home from China and was shocked to hear that I may not be any closer today that I was when I last saw her. I try so hard to not stress and think about how long it's been but I got in my car and cried all the way home.
  
  
• I'm ready for 2009 to be over. It started bad, it's ending bad and there was a whole lot of bad in between. I'm hoping to see some of my blogging buddies get referrals early on in the new year. If that doesn't put a smile on my face then I don't know what will!
  
  
• I'm the last person left in my department at work. I guess I should consider that to be my job security. It's been a really rough year in the construction industry and not too many people are buying luxury homes. I've been given a lot of extra work (along with my pay CUT earlier this year) and I'm hoping that it will pay off in the long run. It could be really good for me. Or I could just be a sucker.
  
  
• The 38th & 39th anniversary of my LID has come and gone. January will be month 40 that my dossier has been collecting dust in a pile at the CCAA. Let's hope 2010 finally brings that speed up we've all been saying is about to happen.

• I can't believe that Christmas is in less than two weeks!!! I'm leaving Saturday to head to CT to spend time with my family and I can't wait. My brothers will be home from Utah and I've made some plans to get together with some old friends I reconnected with on FB. I can't wait to see my family!!

Documentary Screening

This past Saturday my local FCC, and Dr. Tony Tan from the USF College of Education, hosted a screening of a documentary on China adoptions. The documentary was filmed and produced by Dr. Changfu Chang, a Chinese professor and film maker from Pennsylvania. Both professors were born in China and have spent many years studying adoptions on Chinese children.

The documentary is called Long Wait For Home and it really is a must have for all families that adopt from China. It started off by profiling three birth families who told of their reasons for abandoning their child. It was heart wrenching to hear their stories - all three of them very different.

Then, Dr. Chang and his team were able to get footage inside an orphanage. They interviewed several of the nanny's and were able to give us a glimpse as to what life in a Chinese orphanage is really like. It was amazing and at this point I don't think there was a dry eye in the room.

Lastly, they interviewed several demographics of people in China and asked them their views on foreigners coming to China and adopting their children. Some people just had no clue and other's were very appreciative. It was eye opening.

I purchased all six of his DVD's. I feel that any insight that I will be able to give to my daughter will be worth the cost.

Most people that attended were already home with their children. They couldn't believe that I've been waiting for over three years already and still have no idea when I'll get a referral. If one more person told me that they only waited six months I was seriously going to hit them.

After the movie ended there was a Q & A session. Obviously, the first question asked was "are there really fewer babies being abandoned?" Dr. Changs answer was interesting. In short, his answer was NO. He explained it like this:

China has a population of 1.3 billion people

There are an estimated 10 million marriages per year

1/2 of those couples will get pregnant and have a baby

1% of those couples will adandon their child

That equals approximately 50,000 babies per year

So where are they? According to Dr. Chang, they are there. He has seen them. His thoughts are that they have been moved from the orphanages that participate in international adoption to the domestic orphanages in the poorer, smaller towns. This was China's way of "saving face". The fact that the rest of the world was coming to "save their children" because they could not take care of them, did not sit well with the Chinese government. Again, this is his theory. He does not believe that China will shut down the IA program but he does not expect the wait times to decrease.

I'm so glad that I went and was able to learn more about the possible circumstances that my daughter may face before I even meet her. Dr. Chang speaks at many FCC events throughout the year. I highly recommend any adoptive parent or family member to attend if he should come to a location near you. http://lovewithoutboundaries.org/index.html

Race For The Cure & 37 Months LID

Saturday was the 11th annual
Komen Suncoast Race For The Cure.

I walk every year to celebrate my Aunt Beth.

She was first diagnosed almost 20 years ago.

She's had more rounds of chemo than I can even remember.

When they removed the tumor on her spine,
they told her she might never walk again.

She did.

They told her should would NEVER be able to conceive a baby.

Liam Matthew was born on November 24, 2003.

When they did a PET Scan last year
her body was riddled with tumors.

When they did a PET Scan last month, they were virtually gone!

THAT is why I walk EVERY YEAR!!!!

This year I walked with my best friend Rachel, her beautiful 2 year old daughter and a bunch of her "mama friends".

Talk about odd man out ~ I was the only one not pushing a stroller :o(

Me & Rachel

The "mom's" made these cute t-shirts for all the kids!

On a completely separate, and much more depressing note,
today I've been logged in for 37 months37 months closer to my dream!

September

I can't believe it is the last day of September!

It's amazing how time goes so quickly yet so slowly.

I went home to CT a few weeks ago. My sister was having a dinner party for her co-workers that were so supportive of her when she was going through the stroke, surgery, recovery, etc. She asked me to come home so that I could meet them all since I had emailed and spoken with many of them during that time. It was great to have the opportunity to meet them and they were all as amazing in person as they were in email and phone conversations. She really is lucky to have such a wonderful group of co-workers who are real friends!

Last weekend was my 6th annual summer bash! My best friends husband plays in a band and we clear out my living room furniture and set them up in there. There's lot's of great music, good friends and jello shots! A good time was had by all :o)

The band was awesome!!

My best friend Rachel and I

Shots of Goldschlager!

I finally heard from my agency today about the Hague accreditation nightmare. They forwarded an email from the agency that facilitates my adoption sent but not from the actual Hague Accredited agency that my dossier is registered with. I'm still not satisfied.

So, when the announcement came out last week from JCICS that effective 12/1/2009 all adoptive families must be registered with a Hague accredited agency, I emailed my agency. They are not Hague accredited and I wanted to know how this would affect me. They of course had no idea. They suck.

They sent an email a few days later stating that they "believe" that the dossiers for their China families are ok and we have nothing to worry about. I'm sorry, WHAT? You believe that I'm ok? Um, yea, that's not good enough.

I emailed back and asked if I could get it in writing from the other agency that I am ok and that there will not be any problems when my referral finally comes. I'm mean, based on the fact that you believe my dossier is ok, it shouldn't be a problem. Right? Their answer was "I am seeing what I can do". What the hell does that mean????

I finally called Martha who was in charge of my agency's China program at the time that I signed on with them. Did I mention that it wasn't until about six months after she left that my agency actually sent me a letter to tell me so? Whatever. She actually now works for the Hague accredited agency that my dossier was filed through. I called her and she reassured me that everything was fine.

After I vented, and said a few not-so-nice words about my agency, she told me to call her any time with any questions that I have. Pretty nice of her, huh? If only my agency made themselves so available.

I'm still don't feel 100% sure about everything. I'll give my agency a few more days, but I'm gonna be pissed if I can't get it in writing and I get screwed in December. Can you even imagine? Three years of being logged in, three times renewing my paperwork, three years of loving someone I don't even have to know in order to already love.

My agency SUCKS!!!!

A Whole Lot Of Random Thoughts

How is it possible that on one hand I feel like time is flying by and on the other I feel like I really am on the slowest boat to China? I can't believe that it is almost the middle of September already. Before you know it we will be in the midst of the holiday season!! YIKES!

So...it appears that the only thing that makes me feel better about how sorry I feel for myself that I have been LID for so long, is to shop for Maggie. Holy Moly - I got some kick a$$ deals in the last few weeks on some really cute clothes for my girl.

Funny thing is, it makes me feel better until I get home and realize that I have no idea when she will be here to wear all of it. And then I get sad again. But I'm over it. For now.

Have you ever seen the show on Discovery Health called Adoption Stories? This show comes on at 6:30am during the week and I am addicted to it. I've only seen one show about a China adoption. Most are from Guatemal@ or Indi@. I don't recommend watching this show if you have been waiting for what seems like forever to adopt your child and especially not while you are trying to get ready for work. Some days I just can't stop the tears while I watch. If I cry this much watching families be made on TV, what am I going to be like when I finally meet Maggie? Probably a big fat blubbering mess!

I've taken two business trips in the last month to places that I have had to fly to. I am convinced that on both flights, the co-pilot was most certainly a teenager and I'm pretty sure that it was the very first flight for one of them. This poor guy was sweating like a pig. It was a small plane where he had to close the airplane door and check to make sure our seatbelts were securly fastened and I really thought the guy was going to pass out. It made for a real smooth flight just knowing that he was second in control. Umm, NOT!

My best friends daughter turned two this week.

I can't believe that it's been two years since I witnessed her being born. She is an amazing little girl who is full of sass and has all the attitude red heads are known for! She makes me smile and fills that empty place in my heart.

Next week I'm heading north for a visit with Katie. Wednesday was seven months and four days since her stroke and she was finally back at school with a room full of kids! She has endured so much in the last seven months and has overcome so many obstacles. She is truly amazing and I am so proud of her. I can't wait to see her and have our "sista time" together!

I'm also going to get to see my very first best friend!! I haven't seen or spoken with her in years. We reconnected on FB and spent two hours on the phone this week. We picked up right where we left off and I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long time!! It will be great to see her.

My aunt just got a clean bill of health from her oncologist! She recently had a pet scan and her doctor said the results were excellent!! Once again, prayers have been answered!

Last but not least, Kris is meeting her daughter this coming Monday in China!! I've been following her blog forever and cannot wait to see her with her beautiful daughter Ellis. It gives me hope :o)

That time of the month...

1095 Days

or

156 Weeks

or

36 Months

or

3 Years


However you look at it, it's been a long time.

*sigh*

I-600A x 3

I think the old saying says "third time's a charm". We shall see. Today I filed my 3rd I-600A and I have a feeling it will not be my last. Not with two days of referrals coming out each month.

It is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it.